I have officially been called the coolest mom ever. My girls have been talking about getting pierced and dyeing their hair so we went out yesterday and bought the supplies we needed. I let them choose whatever they wanted. Now I have been asked why because they were so beautiful the way they are. They are starting new schools this year and are going through some emotional stuff and I wanted them to be able to express themselves in a manner that I could control and not become shocked when they just came home with it. Besides it’s only hair and it will go back.

Cherokee went with palest blonde with a “vampire red”. I actually like the red more than I do the blonde at the moment. She pierced her nose with a small stud and the top of her ear.

Zoe with already beautiful red hair wanted “Black” yes black. The problem we ran into was we started to run out so we decided to only do the underside of her hair with the black and her bangs. Then we streaked with pink. She also pierced the top of her ear. She wanted her nose pierced but then chickened out at the last minute.

Now I know that I am probably going to be judged by others because I am supposed to be the parent and I allowed them to do this to themselves. I want my children to know that I love them and even when I think they are making a mistake I will support them. Now is it a wrong message to send maybe……but at the moment I am the coolest mom ever.

Well since my lovely daughter has tagged me here goes…………

1. I love the color ORANGE

2. I love learning new things

3. I still like to blast my music and I’m over 30

4. I love to embarrass my kids

5. My kids are soon to be 15 and 12 and I want another baby

6. I’m addicted to reality TV

7. I’m a myspace junkie

8. I can’t swim

9. I hate talking about my self

10. I’m relieved this is over because now I have a headache.

Well my boss finally stepped up to the plate. As a bonus so that I don’t quit he has offered to pay in full for  health coverage for me and my family. It is up to me to find my own policy and give him the info and he will pay it. I couldn’t have asked for a better deal.

I had a wonderful family weekend. We went to my sisters to help her celebrate her husbands 40th birthday. It was a nice cookout with excellent food. I actually managed to drag my husband along this time and he had a good time. He’s hard to drag out into public sometimes.  He really enjoyed the 10lb homemade ice cream cake that they made and has put in a request for one on his birthday.

When my husband and I fight it’s always about money and the lack there of. It is NEVER a simple disagreement. He ends up yelling and I sit there and take what I can until I start to yell back. Then it turns really nasty and he will tend to bring up things from years ago……..remember when or it turns to (my) family.

I have an awesome family for years we depended on my dad when we were struggling. Dad could never tell me no or anyone for that matter. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. I also have other family members as well that would do the very same without even being asked. They would just know that you were struggling or needed help.

Why is it that when you know your right the situation always gets turned around to make you the bad guy. A simple statement gets blown up to this big deal. I’m tired of the fighting. The fight always ends with an apology with the statement “you know I’m an ass and you’ve dealt with it for this long.” So I told him that being an ass isn’t an excuse to say the things you say to me.

Well my boss happened to strike up a conversation with me today. He wanted to know how my job hunting was going. I told him that I’ve sent out some resumes and talked with a few people, but haven’t found anything yet. Then out of the blue he asked me if I had talked with the social worker to see if I could get more money from them. I told him she would be here in a few days for her home visit and I would talk to her then. Then he started to question me about health insurance and if the jobs that I had applied for offered it. I told him 1 did but the pay for the others would make it possible for me to get my own. Then he stated that his company holds Insurance but they are such a small company that he doesn’t pay any towards it. His insurance cost him $300 a month. I explained that it would cost me an entire paycheck possibly more for my family and that it wouldn’t be worth it to me without more money.

I finally gave my notice at work. Those of you that have followed my blog know the issues that I have been dealing with and the struggles I’ve had with myself. With the new baby coming it gave me the drive to look for better. I kept it completely positive. I just explained that I needed to look for something that would either pay me enough that I could afford my own benefits or offer me benefits. That I had not found anything yet but wanted to let him know so that he could take the opportunity to look for someone else to work full time and that I would like to stay on part time to fill in as to not cut my ties completely with my gentleman.

It was as if we were breaking up. It was the whole it’s not you, it’s me speech. I felt terrible, but I’ve got to do what’s best for me and my family.

He understood and also told me that he didn’t want me to pass up on anything that might come my way just to be able to give him 2 weeks notice. He said that it was thoughtful of me to consider 2 weeks and thanked me. So we are on the hunt for help and I’m on the hunt for a new job…….again.

I just didn’t know what to think. Hubby has been sending me mixed signals about the prospect of a new baby. One minute he says he moving out to the garage and the next minute he’s helping pick out baby names. In talking with family I came to the conclusion that this was his way of processing all the information. He thinks I only have eyes for the baby and I’m not looking at the big picture.

He said that he is afraid of the consequences for the child as it gets older because it is a bi-racial child and we are bringing it into a family with 2 white parents. He’s afraid of money issues, which we all have. Where are we going to get health insurance? These are all legitimate questions that I myself have thought about and prayed about. My heart tells me this is what I need and have to do.

Most importantly he is afraid for me. This was the main of our conversation this morning. He’s terrified that I’m am going to get so wrapped up in the prospect of baby and if something should happen and mom and dad change their minds that I will be so completely devastated. He doesn’t want that to happen. I explained to him that I have that exact same fear. I have explained to mom to be that if they are not completely serious than I can’t be involved. I have been to the doctors with her and we saw the sonogram. I have a garage full of baby things that she keeps asking when we’re going to bring it in the house. I’m not ready for that step just yet. I will wait until the baby gets closer to being here.

I am just glad that he finally opened up to me. I knew in my heart that’s what the problem was from the beginning. I just needed him to tell me and now we can deal with it.

I can remember when my husband and I first started to date, we would get in the car and drive around and talk for hours about literally nothing. There was many a night we would pull off the side of the high way just to talk. I miss that. Is it that we have just been together so long that we have forgotten how to talk? Trust me it’s not that we have nothing to talk about.

I am going through some emotional stuff that I really need him to talk with me about and I can’t get him to open up without getting angry.

A little back ground………..

I was told at a very young age that I wouldn’t be able to have children and if I did get pregnant I would have difficulties carrying to term. I have 2 great kids that I wouldn’t trade for the world, but had difficult pregnancies with both along with 3 miscarriages. So after last daughter was born I tied my tubes because I couldn’t handle the heartbreak and difficulties carrying another child. Husband had 2 kids but we had always discussed extending our family ie.. adoption or foster care and even after a few years talked about possibly reversing my surgery.

I am surrounded by pregnant women and my hormones are going crazy. One of the girls has decided she doesn’t want to keep the baby and wants us to adopt it. I’m all for it. I’m 34 and hubby will be 39 this year. Our baby is going to be 12 in Sept. Every time I try to discuss it with him we end up fighting.

I understand where he’s coming from. Our kids are old enough to fend for themselves and if we want to take off and go somewhere we can. He’s afraid that age will be a factor as we get older. Meaning he will be almost 60 by the time this child graduates from high school. We can’t really afford a baby but we couldn’t afford the 4 we had at the time and things always worked out.

He did tell me that if it came down to the baby going somewhere else we would. I don’t want him to feel quilted into it. All I want is to have more than a 5 second discussion that ends in a fight. He stated the other day that he thought I was just joking every time we brought it up.

How can I get him to open up to me about this? I wrote him a long letter the other night and I’m hoping we will have a chance to discuss it since we no longer have house guest. The baby’s not due until New Years so we have some time.

Everyone has gone home for now. We have had a house full of people since July 2nd. I was sad but relieved to seem them all go, but Ahhhhhhhhh the quiet. I am sitting in my recliner with my feet propped up on my lap top. It is so nice I haven’t been able to do this for a while.

It will be short lived though. My sister in law will be back in like 3 weeks with her kids. She will be staying here so that she can attend school while waiting for her husbands release from the Army in April.